Choosy Morons, Choose Jif

I have recently learned of a terrible tragedy that has befallen our otherwise peaceful community. A tragedy so heinous, that it befouls the very air merely to speak of it.

Luckily, I’m only writing about it – so let’s have at ‘er shall we?

For some unknown reason, there is a severe shortage of Jif peanut butter on the shelves of local supermarkets and I am left nursing ulcers from imploded rage over it. Jiff peanut butter has been a daily staple for, like, only my whole life! It's the secret to my life force.

In vain, I have visited every store, supermarket, corner shop, and local grocers within a 20-mile radius. I can literally feel my sperm supply dwindling down to nothing even as I type this. I’m not sure how much longer I, or my sperm, can go without my Jif Extra Creamy. And if ‘Little Elvis’ doesn’t get his peanut butter sandwich he doesn’t go on stage, dig?

My junk probably has the consistency of chicken broth by now. What’s my girlfriend going to think?

It’s hard to feel like “the man” when you’re blowing powdered milk during sex. Lord knows I could use all the help I can get! After all the toxic poisons I voluntarily ingested in University, my children will inevitably rival the alien crew of the Starship Enterprise without some assistance – namely, my regular fix of Jif.

Maybe if my mom hadn’t been such a “choosy” bitch back when I was kid I might not have had this desperate affliction in the first place.

As it is now, there is no other peanut butter besides Jif. I’d rather spread dog shit on my toast than use Kraft, Skippy or any of the sweetened no-name brands available at the Bulk Barn. And the unsweetened varieties taste like pure evil.

Come home to daddy, Jif, come home…

"We're Going to Need a Bigger Casket"

It is a sad day today indeed as celebrated actor, two-time Academy Award nominee – not to mention original Hollywood bad ass – Roy Scheider, died from complications of multiple myeloma (cancer of the blood cells).

He was 75 years young.

Scheider, whom it can be said was best known for his trademark broken nose and weird angular facial expressions will be remembered for citing the infamous movie line: “you’re going to need a bigger boat”.

Here’s a man whose balls were big enough to orbit planets out in space. It’s a little known fact that Scheider was originally slated to play the role of John Rambo in the initial ‘First Blood’ movie before Sly scooped up the part from Hollywood execs hoping to increase the movie’s marketability. Scheider was, of course, best known for his role as small-town New England sheriff Martin Brody in 1975’s blockbuster hit ‘Jaws’. Indeed this was the role that made him notorious.

That’s right, the man killed off Jaws not once - but twice! How fucking cool was that?

Scheider’s other notable performances included renegade police test pilot Officer Frank Murphy in Blue Thunder, the abrasive, street-smart Narcotics Bureau detective Buddy Russo and the eccentric Hollywood choreographer Joe Gideon based on actual life of Bob Fosse in which the former boxer had to learn to dance.

When it comes to famous Hollywood tough guys, Roy eats thunder and shits lightning!

Of course, we will have to forgive him for his part as limp dick Captain Nathan Bridger in SeaQuest DVS – but who’s perfect?

Here’s hoping you get them to bite down hard on that wire in the next life.

R.I.P.