Raking In the Terror
(This was conceptualized and written months ago but was promptly forgotten about. It was added now in hindsight as further warning of the pending animal apocolypse looming over us.)
A new research being conducted by Japan’s Institute of Physical and Chemical Research (RIKEN), conducted over a 60-day period, has taught 6 rodents to use tools – namely, a rake – to obtain food.
Now, obviously no one has paid the slightest bit of attention to me when I warned you all about the stick-wielding chimpanzees, so here it is again:
SMART ANIMALS ARE A THREAT TO US ALL!
It is not “cute” in any way. This signals another small slip for mankind towards an all out war with the entire animal kingdom for total supremacy of planet earth!
These rodents are actually degus who have learned to use a miniature rake to retrieve sunflower seeds from under a glass fence. This is the first known case in which rodents have been taught to use tools.
Swell.
First of all, shouldn’t the Japanese be more interested in utilizing their best scientific minds to research more important things like being able to take muff shots from outer space, or designing a sleek, fuel efficient automobile able to fold up into your wallet?
But I digress.
A Japanese scientist may someday also teach an octopus to tap dance, but at least that shouldn’t threaten man’s place on the evolutionary totem pole…although Gregory Hines may be a bit nervous. Clearly the Japanese researchers have not completely thought about the possible consequences of these particular actions. I doubt they’re looking to train a new wave of cheap labor to look after their Zen gardens, no sir! As it was with the chimps using sticks to stab their prey, it’s only a short leap from using a rake to firing an RPG at a school bus full of children.
Don’t put it past the fucking rats!
They already out populate we human’s almost a million to one or something crazy like that. Do we also need to teach them how to use tools? We’re not going to be happy until we just totally hand over control of the planet to our new rodent overlords. In fact, rats multiple so often that within 18 months a rat can have over a million descendents.
That’s a lot of potential rodent terrorists floating around with itchy trigger fingers!
In time, we’ll all just be subservient peons to our new rat masters who’ll be guarded by the militant stick-wielding super monkeys with robotic limbs.
How’s that for a bleak future?
I’d rather take one of those tiny rakes and have some chimp stab it directly into my frontal lobe now than suffer a fate to the Rodent Regime later.
A new research being conducted by Japan’s Institute of Physical and Chemical Research (RIKEN), conducted over a 60-day period, has taught 6 rodents to use tools – namely, a rake – to obtain food.
Now, obviously no one has paid the slightest bit of attention to me when I warned you all about the stick-wielding chimpanzees, so here it is again:
SMART ANIMALS ARE A THREAT TO US ALL!
It is not “cute” in any way. This signals another small slip for mankind towards an all out war with the entire animal kingdom for total supremacy of planet earth!
These rodents are actually degus who have learned to use a miniature rake to retrieve sunflower seeds from under a glass fence. This is the first known case in which rodents have been taught to use tools.
Swell.
First of all, shouldn’t the Japanese be more interested in utilizing their best scientific minds to research more important things like being able to take muff shots from outer space, or designing a sleek, fuel efficient automobile able to fold up into your wallet?
But I digress.
A Japanese scientist may someday also teach an octopus to tap dance, but at least that shouldn’t threaten man’s place on the evolutionary totem pole…although Gregory Hines may be a bit nervous. Clearly the Japanese researchers have not completely thought about the possible consequences of these particular actions. I doubt they’re looking to train a new wave of cheap labor to look after their Zen gardens, no sir! As it was with the chimps using sticks to stab their prey, it’s only a short leap from using a rake to firing an RPG at a school bus full of children.
Don’t put it past the fucking rats!
They already out populate we human’s almost a million to one or something crazy like that. Do we also need to teach them how to use tools? We’re not going to be happy until we just totally hand over control of the planet to our new rodent overlords. In fact, rats multiple so often that within 18 months a rat can have over a million descendents.
That’s a lot of potential rodent terrorists floating around with itchy trigger fingers!
In time, we’ll all just be subservient peons to our new rat masters who’ll be guarded by the militant stick-wielding super monkeys with robotic limbs.
How’s that for a bleak future?
I’d rather take one of those tiny rakes and have some chimp stab it directly into my frontal lobe now than suffer a fate to the Rodent Regime later.
posted by crazytigerrabbitman at
7:10 AM
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