Locker Room Horror Show

I’ve already made it known how I feel about the excess old man nudity in the gym locker room, but today I befell a real horror of horrors, so much so that I am literally sweating at the moment just recalling this tragic event in my mind…even worse than the Oriental pubic gardener from months ago.

As I was quietly changing after a particularly exhausting workout - all the while being careful to observe the special locker-width area restrictions while doing so - I became aware of somebody encroaching on my personal space just behind me. As I turned around to confront this silent trespasser I was greeted with a sight that chilled me to the very bone. Directly in front of my face there hung a naked, purple nut sack just inches from my face as the old man behind me bent over to struggle with his knee-high stockings.

First of all: GROSS!

That’s exactly what I needed to complete my workout today: a donkey-sized scrotum being dangled before my face like some purple veined piñata.

Thanks, Pops!

Seriously, this thing looked like something you’d expect to see a burglar carrying as they exited a bank. All that was missing was a huge dollar sign tattooed on the back of his scrotum.

Second of all: do all men’s nut sacks end up this way? What kind fo unnatural forces are at work in the universe to inevitably turn our Charlie Brown's into this wrinkly freak show?

Because if they do this man is going to have himself castrated before he turns into a walking punching bag. It must suck to have to drag this monstrosity around between your legs.

Not me. No way, no how!

Nuh uh.