Animal Apocolypse
I know that most people still view news stories about wild animals caught doing human things as cute, or even endearing. I however – do not. In fact, I have tried time and time again to warn the homo sapien citizens of Mother Earth to be very wary as the animal apocalypse is on the rise.
I warned you about the Senegalese monkeys fashioning sticks as spears and then again when Travis the murderous chimp when on his Xanax induced rampage. And remember those accursed rats being taught to use miniature rakes to retrieve food? Then there was the case of the hippie bear raiding marijuana fields, and the “innocent” elephant junkie. And let’s not forget about the whole teaching monkeys to control robotic limbs with their minds. Shit, we’re practically begging for it. But does anyone listen to me? No!
I am guessing that Walt Disney, Marlon Perkins and even the Crocodile Hunter have succeeded in lowering our collective guards against these rather dubious omens. And, here again, is another example of nature getting a just little too close for comfort to our way of life.
In Denver, a black bear attracted by the smell of a peanut butter sandwich managed to open the door of a car, climb in and got stuck, knocking the gear stick into neutral and sending the car rolling down a slope into trees.
Oh, suuuuuure. A peanut butter sandwich…a likely story.
My guess is that the bear was actually scoping out the car and attempting to hotwire it so he could take a little joyride around town looking for innocent human victims to attack and maul. Maybe Yogi has gotten tired of trolling around the national parks looking for picnic baskets and decided he needed to get himself set up with a set of wheels instead. Maybe he was looking to swipe the car and sell it for crack…who knows. The bottom line is that I do not believe for a second that the bear was just after a peanut butter sandwich.
As coined by the long ago misunderstood rock outfit Great White: “One bitten twice shy, babe…”
Apparently, the blare of the car horn alerted the members of the Story family who realized 17-year-old Ben's Toyota was no longer parked in the driveway of their home in Larkspur near Denver.
When they went to explore they discovered the car and trapped culprit at the bottom of the hill — a giant bear with teeth bared and claws tearing through the car's interior. Sounds like an animal in the crazed throws of a drug withdrawal if you ask me. The bear was apparently trapped inside the car for two hours before police were able to release the animal who then ran off into the nearby woods. Or maybe, the bear was enjoying the unedited ‘Inna-Godda-Da-Vida’ album on eight track in the Story’s stereo before he sobered up and decided to take off looking for another vehicle to break into.
I say that if we are ever going to stand our ground, now is the time to do it before it’s too late. What’s next? Pigeon prostitutes? Antelope running for town council? If we continue to stand by idly and just coo and laugh over these silly animal stories, we’re bound to be their bitch sooner or later.
I warned you about the Senegalese monkeys fashioning sticks as spears and then again when Travis the murderous chimp when on his Xanax induced rampage. And remember those accursed rats being taught to use miniature rakes to retrieve food? Then there was the case of the hippie bear raiding marijuana fields, and the “innocent” elephant junkie. And let’s not forget about the whole teaching monkeys to control robotic limbs with their minds. Shit, we’re practically begging for it. But does anyone listen to me? No!
I am guessing that Walt Disney, Marlon Perkins and even the Crocodile Hunter have succeeded in lowering our collective guards against these rather dubious omens. And, here again, is another example of nature getting a just little too close for comfort to our way of life.
In Denver, a black bear attracted by the smell of a peanut butter sandwich managed to open the door of a car, climb in and got stuck, knocking the gear stick into neutral and sending the car rolling down a slope into trees.
Oh, suuuuuure. A peanut butter sandwich…a likely story.
My guess is that the bear was actually scoping out the car and attempting to hotwire it so he could take a little joyride around town looking for innocent human victims to attack and maul. Maybe Yogi has gotten tired of trolling around the national parks looking for picnic baskets and decided he needed to get himself set up with a set of wheels instead. Maybe he was looking to swipe the car and sell it for crack…who knows. The bottom line is that I do not believe for a second that the bear was just after a peanut butter sandwich.
As coined by the long ago misunderstood rock outfit Great White: “One bitten twice shy, babe…”
Apparently, the blare of the car horn alerted the members of the Story family who realized 17-year-old Ben's Toyota was no longer parked in the driveway of their home in Larkspur near Denver.
When they went to explore they discovered the car and trapped culprit at the bottom of the hill — a giant bear with teeth bared and claws tearing through the car's interior. Sounds like an animal in the crazed throws of a drug withdrawal if you ask me. The bear was apparently trapped inside the car for two hours before police were able to release the animal who then ran off into the nearby woods. Or maybe, the bear was enjoying the unedited ‘Inna-Godda-Da-Vida’ album on eight track in the Story’s stereo before he sobered up and decided to take off looking for another vehicle to break into.
I say that if we are ever going to stand our ground, now is the time to do it before it’s too late. What’s next? Pigeon prostitutes? Antelope running for town council? If we continue to stand by idly and just coo and laugh over these silly animal stories, we’re bound to be their bitch sooner or later.
posted by crazytigerrabbitman at
6:09 AM
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