Titty Monkeys

A man who tried to smuggle 18 monkeys by hiding them under his jumper has been arrested by border police. Roberto Zavaleta Sol Cabrera attempted to enter Mexico City International airport with several non-indigenous titi monkeys stuffed into socks and hidden in a girdle strapped around his waist.

Now, I’ve heard of lots of weird things being smuggled before, and in a whole variety of creative ways, of course, but did they say “titty monkeys” and, if so, how do I get me one of these things?

Apparently, these endangered titty (spelled ‘titi’) monkeys were discovered after officials spotted the smuggler behaving “nervously” and detected a mysterious bulge under his jumper. I guess that isn’t very surprising given that the man had about a dozen restless primates shoved down his drawers. That’s certainly bound to make one look a little uncomfortable, isn’t it? Now, the pants bulge part I’m just going to overlook here. I know no one has ever pulled me over at any border crossing for any suspicious pants bulges, so I’m just going to let this one pass.

Furthermore, a spokesman for Mexico’s Public Safety Department said Cabrera became “markedly nervous” when questioned about what he was carrying; as if having a pantsload of titty monkeys isn’t enough to make you a bit anxious. Hell, if it were me you would have seen me coming for the bulge in my pants miles away. My bulge would have shown up for inspection way before I did. But good call for the customs officers for being able to identify people with livestock on their persons nonetheless - nothing gets by these guys! But unfortunately, two of the monkeys were already dead.

And dead titty monkeys is definitely not a good omen.

The 38-year-old admitted that he had bought the six-inch South American monkeys in Peru and then carried them in his luggage on a flight from Lima. He claimed to have hidden the creatures in his clothing to protect them from X-rays in luggage-scanning equipment. Wasn’t that considerate? Wouldn’t want the cramped and suffocating monkeys to be threatened by any harmful x-rays now would we?

No one likes a cancer ridden titty monkey after all.

He was arrested on charges of trafficking an endangered species and taken to the office of the Federal Attorney for Environmental Protection for further investigation. Titi monkeys are a protected species under the Convention on International Trade in Endangered Species of Wild Fauna and Flora, and a special permit is required for their legal possession. The Mexican government also just recently placed restrictions on imports of primates, but monkeys continue to be sold along with parrots and reptiles at the Sonora market in Mexico City.

Cabrera said he had paid $30 for each of the monkeys, which can be sold for up to $1,550 in Mexico. He described the animals as “pets”, as Mexico has a deep-rooted tradition of keeping such wild animals as pets. The South American border country is also key trade route for people trying to smuggle animals into the US.

Thirty dollars for a titty monkey? What a deal! That’s definitely less than I would pay locally here. Except that maybe Cabrera should have consider making his fortune selling titty monkeys on eBay instead.

The Sandwich War

Today, quite possibly, another of the seven signs of the Apocalypse has been turned loose upon us. No, not plagues of locus or frogs raining down from the sky or anything like that, but Burger King did just launch its new NY Pizza Burger in Times Square.

Why is that so bad? The burger, if it can be called that, comes on a 10-inch bun that contains four quarter-pound burger patties, pepperoni, mozzarella cheese, Tuscan pesto sauce and marinara sauce. The burger is then cut into six slices, like a pizza, and served in a cardboard box not unlike a pizza box. It contains 2,520 calories and costs $12.99 US.

Good lord, that’s more calories than most Africans, will see in an entire week for Pete sakes! You practically have to take out life insurance just to purchase one over the counter. I hope some of the proceeds are going towards Third World Famine, as this is just ridiculous. I wonder what those poor starving children would make of these commercials of entire families sitting down to a single sandwich.

Why would anybody need that much food at one sitting? Sure the intent is for the “burger” to be shared and not tackled alone, but, really? I somehow doubt this is how it will play out.

This is, however, only the newest in a long line of new ultra-fatty fast-food meals. Others include the KFC Double Down — two pieces of deep-fried chicken sandwiching cheese and bacon — and the Krispy Kreme Cheeseburger, a bacon cheeseburger that uses Krispy Kreme doughnuts as a bun. Just what the world needs, of course.

How fucking gross is that?

Yes, our precious fast-food joints are literally waging war on each other to create the most least-healthy and lethal sandwiches legally available for sale at any restaurant.

Personally, I blame the Food Network and their recent features about American “Culinary Classics”, like ‘Diners, Drive-ins and Dives” with host Guy Fieri. He’s literally breeding a whole new culture of high-calorie, high-fat, low-nutrition, yet impeccably delicious food. He’s practically taken a spatula and bashed in Jenny Craig’s head with it.

Screw your hoity-toity cerviches, ragout’s, salads and stir-fry’s, its hello sandwiches the size of Rhode Island. Shit, I say throw in an $1.99 for an angioplasty and then supersized for your casket.