Animal Armageddon

I called it – the bears are up to something.

Not only are the Americans themselves secretly rallying around their anti-Canadian sentiments, but now they’ve also enlisted the aid of bears to help them in their conquest. Bad enough they decided to gas flocks of Canadian Geese in New York’s Central Park, but now they’re turning loose grizzly bears on hapless Canadian vacationers.

This past weekend a Canadian woman from London, Ontario was attacked by a grizzly bear in Yellowstone National Park at the Soda Butt campground close to the Wyoming-Montana border. Deb Freele, an avid fisherwoman was sleeping in her tent when she awoke to find the grizzly bear nibbling on her arm.

Talk about the ultimate buzz kill to any camping vacation, eh?

Granted, the bear also wandered off to attack two other American campers in the park and mauling one to death. But, hey, that’s not really surprising considering that once you wind up a stealth ninja bear, it’s next to impossible to get them to stand down again. It’s a cocked and loaded weapon ready to fire on anyone that comes into its path. But there’s no doubt in my mind that this was intended to be a meditated attack on the unsuspecting Canucks.

Luckily, Freele only escaped with a broken forearm and multiple bite marks down to the bone. Her husband who was sleeping next to a nearby running stream never even awoke.

So the question now is how do we Canadians retaliate?

I say we mount lasers to the heads of our caribou and drive the herds south of the border to wreck havoc. Or maybe we could enlist beaver volunteers to be a bonsai-style weapon by stuffing nuclear explosives in their orifices and then ship them to the major American city centers to detonate on arrival – Beaver Bombs.

Fight fire with fire, or fauna with fauna as it were.