Animal Armageddon

I called it – the bears are up to something.

Not only are the Americans themselves secretly rallying around their anti-Canadian sentiments, but now they’ve also enlisted the aid of bears to help them in their conquest. Bad enough they decided to gas flocks of Canadian Geese in New York’s Central Park, but now they’re turning loose grizzly bears on hapless Canadian vacationers.

This past weekend a Canadian woman from London, Ontario was attacked by a grizzly bear in Yellowstone National Park at the Soda Butt campground close to the Wyoming-Montana border. Deb Freele, an avid fisherwoman was sleeping in her tent when she awoke to find the grizzly bear nibbling on her arm.

Talk about the ultimate buzz kill to any camping vacation, eh?

Granted, the bear also wandered off to attack two other American campers in the park and mauling one to death. But, hey, that’s not really surprising considering that once you wind up a stealth ninja bear, it’s next to impossible to get them to stand down again. It’s a cocked and loaded weapon ready to fire on anyone that comes into its path. But there’s no doubt in my mind that this was intended to be a meditated attack on the unsuspecting Canucks.

Luckily, Freele only escaped with a broken forearm and multiple bite marks down to the bone. Her husband who was sleeping next to a nearby running stream never even awoke.

So the question now is how do we Canadians retaliate?

I say we mount lasers to the heads of our caribou and drive the herds south of the border to wreck havoc. Or maybe we could enlist beaver volunteers to be a bonsai-style weapon by stuffing nuclear explosives in their orifices and then ship them to the major American city centers to detonate on arrival – Beaver Bombs.

Fight fire with fire, or fauna with fauna as it were.

Animal Apocolypse

I know that most people still view news stories about wild animals caught doing human things as cute, or even endearing. I however – do not. In fact, I have tried time and time again to warn the homo sapien citizens of Mother Earth to be very wary as the animal apocalypse is on the rise.

I warned you about the Senegalese monkeys fashioning sticks as spears and then again when Travis the murderous chimp when on his Xanax induced rampage. And remember those accursed rats being taught to use miniature rakes to retrieve food? Then there was the case of the hippie bear raiding marijuana fields, and the “innocent” elephant junkie. And let’s not forget about the whole teaching monkeys to control robotic limbs with their minds. Shit, we’re practically begging for it. But does anyone listen to me? No!

I am guessing that Walt Disney, Marlon Perkins and even the Crocodile Hunter have succeeded in lowering our collective guards against these rather dubious omens. And, here again, is another example of nature getting a just little too close for comfort to our way of life.

In Denver, a black bear attracted by the smell of a peanut butter sandwich managed to open the door of a car, climb in and got stuck, knocking the gear stick into neutral and sending the car rolling down a slope into trees.

Oh, suuuuuure. A peanut butter sandwich…a likely story.

My guess is that the bear was actually scoping out the car and attempting to hotwire it so he could take a little joyride around town looking for innocent human victims to attack and maul. Maybe Yogi has gotten tired of trolling around the national parks looking for picnic baskets and decided he needed to get himself set up with a set of wheels instead. Maybe he was looking to swipe the car and sell it for crack…who knows. The bottom line is that I do not believe for a second that the bear was just after a peanut butter sandwich.

As coined by the long ago misunderstood rock outfit Great White: “One bitten twice shy, babe…”

Apparently, the blare of the car horn alerted the members of the Story family who realized 17-year-old Ben's Toyota was no longer parked in the driveway of their home in Larkspur near Denver.

When they went to explore they discovered the car and trapped culprit at the bottom of the hill — a giant bear with teeth bared and claws tearing through the car's interior. Sounds like an animal in the crazed throws of a drug withdrawal if you ask me. The bear was apparently trapped inside the car for two hours before police were able to release the animal who then ran off into the nearby woods. Or maybe, the bear was enjoying the unedited ‘Inna-Godda-Da-Vida’ album on eight track in the Story’s stereo before he sobered up and decided to take off looking for another vehicle to break into.

I say that if we are ever going to stand our ground, now is the time to do it before it’s too late. What’s next? Pigeon prostitutes? Antelope running for town council? If we continue to stand by idly and just coo and laugh over these silly animal stories, we’re bound to be their bitch sooner or later.