Telephone Terrors

Telephones have become the overwhelming Bain of my existence. Apart from the usual eight hour drudgery of working over the telephone with whiney bimsters who are barely capable of tying their shoes, much less negotiate past due balances and financial strategies, the only phone calls that ever invade my quiet humble abode are those from evil telemarketers. Every time the phone rings in my apartment, my blood runs cold and my testicles retract into my chest in fear like a startled gopher.

If it’s not someone trying to sell me credit for money I haven’t even earned yet, it’s some mulyak attempting to convince me to have my carpets or drapes cleaned, or subscribe to some trendy craft magazine in order to learn how to crochet cute bunny sweaters, or maybe to help and sponsor needy and hungry children by purchasing tickets to a Circus or a Shriner’s Rodeo or something just as camp. It’s getting so that I never, EVER, want to answer my telephone ever again!

I wonder what the great Alexander Graham Bell would have thought had he known for what evil purposes his new invention would serve in our modern fast-paced consumer crazy society? Had he ever had to face being woken up at the crack of dawn by someone trying to sell him long distance plans (or was ever forced to listen to any dragged out performance of ELO's 'Telephone Line' for that matter) , he probably would have destroyed his candlestick model prototype right then and there with a sledgehammer and simply convinced people to string up tin cans attached on a wire between their homes instead!