Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Sunday, April 16, 2006

More Preaching from the Perverted

Oh Lord, make it all end!

Please allow a speedy delivery for Katie Holmes and Tom Cruise and put the rest of us out of our misery about having to hear about it every waking moment of the day. We're ready to perform hari kare down here if we have to take any more!

Scientology this; and Scientology that. Who gives a flying shit anymore?

The latest news surrounding this celebrity spawning is that 'ol Tommy is going to allow 27 year old pregnant fiancee, Katie, to have her painkillers during the actual delivery of their demon seed. Well thats mighty big of 'ol Tommy, eh? "Whatever the woman wants. I'm not gonna tell Kate … you know, if she needs an epidural, she's gonna get her epidural."

So much for his unbending Scientology beliefs on medicine.

Tom had originally planned for a drug-free and scream-free delivery, as prescribed by his Scientology faith. Of course, it's not his genitalia that is going to be torn open in passing a fetus 10 times the size of the original orfice it came from. Oh, no! It's easy to talk big when all you're doing during the whole birthing process is passing out cigars, eh Tommy? Let's get real here, Tom. Considering the effects of the birthing process - you're going to need Mapquest to find Katie's g-spot once this is all finished and I'm pretty sure she's going to scream like a banshee, with, or without the drugs. But I'd say if you really want a "scream-free" experience, I'd be pumping her full of as many drugs as she pleases, post haste!

In the past he has criticised antidepressants, questioning Brooke Shields's revelation that she took them to help her get over post-natal depression. He even claimed to "know" all about this vicious circle represented by proscribed medications.

So, when it comes to Katie and birfing babies, it seems like 'ol Tom is liking to having his cake and eating it too, huh?

What a hypocritical dipshit.

He's just a know-it-all. No topic is too personal or too indulgent - we're all subject to Tom's open book life. Is the baby going to be born at the hospital, or his California mansion? Wouldn't you love to overhear that particular cellphone debate? "But, Katie, daaahling, I want you to have the baby by the pool. Mmmkay?"

No detail it seems is ever too small or insignificant to spare us.

He plans of eating Katie's placenta as well. Well, yummers. Why not just slap it between two pieces of toasted bread with some raspberry jam? "I thought that would be good," he told GQ magazine. "Very nutritious. I'm gonna eat the cord and the placenta right there." Better yet, why not give Emeril a call and see what kind of recipes he suggests for human placenta? That's an episode of the Iron Chef in the making for sure!

Cruise also spoke of his 'spectacular' sex life. The secret, he confided, is good communication.

"Sex is about the connection. Great sex is a by-product, for me, of a great relationship, where you have communication and it's an extension of that.

"Where it's just free. And that's how it should be. It's spectacular."

Oh, bullshit! He'd fuck a chain link fence if the opportunity should present itself. At least limit us the sanctimonious rhetoric, dude. None of us care anymore.

Go, spawn, and be done with it.


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