"Would you like to touch my Hairy Lobster?"

STOP THE PRESSES!

Just nine hundred miles south of Easter Island in the middle of the Pacific, marine biologists have plucked a brand-spanking new lifeform from the oceans depths.

How exciting!

That's right, folks! A US-led team from the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute in California managed to find themselves a genuine hairy lobster.

Is anybody else giggling to themselves? It sounds to me like something you'd find being marketed at any gentleman's club on the outskirts of town.

But, unbelieveably, it's all true.

Kiwa hirsuta, or the "Yeti Crab", as it has been dubbed*, is white and 15cm (5.9in) long with an usual "surprising characteristic": the animal's pincers are covered with sinuous, hair-like strands. It is thought that the hairy pincers contain lots of filamentous bacteria to detoxify poisonous minerals from the water, allowing K. hirsuta to survive the deep sea hydrothermal vents, which spew out fluids that are toxic to many animals.

Alternatively, the animal may actually feed on the bacteria that live in the hair-like strands.

Whatever, my lower extremities are all-atingle just talking about it. Merely mentioning the "hairy lobster" makes all the dollar bills in my wallet jump to attention.

Nevermind the fact that already it looks like a huge fuzzy vagina already.

This new species is just bound to be all the rage as a menu du jour for lunch buffets and garden parties world round. I mean, who wouldn't want to order themselves a hairy lobster?

* Yeah, because that sounds soooooo much better!