Wet Behind the Ears

Does anyone really give a shit about magician David Blaine?

Not me - thats for sure.

To date, the man has performed some pretty bizarre stunts including his being buried alive for seven days, being frozen in the world's largest cocktail ice cube for 61 hours, perched atop a 90 foot pole for 35 hours, and dangled above the ground for 44 days.

These arn't calculated works of performance art - these are the works of a complete retard. At the very least, someone with a pretty severe Death Wish. I once spent 4 days confined in my bathroom after eating some tainted deli meat but you don't see me bragging about it, do you?

Blaine's latest public stunt, aptly namd "Drowned Alive", is to stay submerged in a human aquarium for an entire week. For what purpose one can only fucking imagine. At the end of this trial by water, Blaine will attatch himself to a 150 lbs of chain and remove his breathing apparatus before attempting to escape his specially-designed aquarium.

Is anybody still awake?

Seven days of him bobbing around like a comatose jelly fish - thats a hell of a long period to wait for the Grand Finale. Can't we just shackle him, switch off the oxygen valve, and just get it over with now?

Sure, levitation was a neat palor trick - so are his multiple card tricks - but if this guy really wants to impress me, stage something a bit more, well, dangerous. So he's on view outside the Lincoln Center in Manhattan, N.Y. for all to see...

*yawn*

Forget hanging in a glass bubble outside the Tower of London, or risking severe shrinky-dink in a human sized fish bowl - take a chainsaw to your nads, juggle cobra snakes, bungee jump into a tank of dried concrete, or at least do something a little bit more spontaneously shocking, and therefore, news worthy of a complete suicidal asshat such as he is.