Smells Like Teen Pussy
Considering how hot and muggy it’s been this summer, I was forced to make a quick stop for deodorant today at the local pharmacy. Once there, I was simply flabbergasted over the vast assortment of different available scents for sale.
Now, I'm not trying to suggest that I don’t regularly use deodorant, but I have been particularly blessed with a less-than-offensive natural body odor - unlike some poor bastards who end up smelling like rancid roadkill after only a few hours if they don’t refresh their arm pits.
But what did I find on the shelves instead? Silver Ice, April Shower, Arctic Avalanche, Cool Peak, Ocean Blast, Sport Ionic, Clean Slate, as well as a whole host of other nonsensical varieties.
When did everything begin to smell like pussy?
None of these scents do much to make me feel very manly. Don’t they just have the regular old-fashioned non-scented varieties, or is that too passe now? You know, the kind that leave powdered residue and make your armpits look like a bakers counter. They were basic, simple, and smelled appropriately like man - "Eau de Post-Gym Class Shower" if you will.
Damn New Agers and their fancy-pants designer aromas!
All I know, is if I am ever going smell “April Shower”, I want it to be during an actual rainfall in April. Nor do I want to associate the smell at the time with another dude’s sweaty pits. That kinda kills the ambiance *, am I right? Likewise, if I’m ever detecting “Arctic Avalanche” I want it to be while running - post haste - in the opposite direction lest I be buried under a tidal wave of cascading snow.
Imagine me standing on a scenic mountainside somewhere and being distracted by the cool, bracing smell of male perfumery just before being swept away by tons of snow. "Mmm, is that Arctic Avalanche I smell?" We’re talking about valuable reaction time here!
And what the fuck is “Ocean Blast” exactly? I bet that doesn’t market very well in Bande Ache, or New Orleans for that matter. That particular scent is bound to make local residents break out in cold sweats for sure!
Honestly, I decided that it would be the lesser of evils to simply stink this summer than reduce myself to smelling like a feminine douchebag.
* Well, that and the inevitable severe chaffing in the groinal area.
Now, I'm not trying to suggest that I don’t regularly use deodorant, but I have been particularly blessed with a less-than-offensive natural body odor - unlike some poor bastards who end up smelling like rancid roadkill after only a few hours if they don’t refresh their arm pits.
But what did I find on the shelves instead? Silver Ice, April Shower, Arctic Avalanche, Cool Peak, Ocean Blast, Sport Ionic, Clean Slate, as well as a whole host of other nonsensical varieties.
When did everything begin to smell like pussy?
None of these scents do much to make me feel very manly. Don’t they just have the regular old-fashioned non-scented varieties, or is that too passe now? You know, the kind that leave powdered residue and make your armpits look like a bakers counter. They were basic, simple, and smelled appropriately like man - "Eau de Post-Gym Class Shower" if you will.
Damn New Agers and their fancy-pants designer aromas!
All I know, is if I am ever going smell “April Shower”, I want it to be during an actual rainfall in April. Nor do I want to associate the smell at the time with another dude’s sweaty pits. That kinda kills the ambiance *, am I right? Likewise, if I’m ever detecting “Arctic Avalanche” I want it to be while running - post haste - in the opposite direction lest I be buried under a tidal wave of cascading snow.
Imagine me standing on a scenic mountainside somewhere and being distracted by the cool, bracing smell of male perfumery just before being swept away by tons of snow. "Mmm, is that Arctic Avalanche I smell?" We’re talking about valuable reaction time here!
And what the fuck is “Ocean Blast” exactly? I bet that doesn’t market very well in Bande Ache, or New Orleans for that matter. That particular scent is bound to make local residents break out in cold sweats for sure!
Honestly, I decided that it would be the lesser of evils to simply stink this summer than reduce myself to smelling like a feminine douchebag.
* Well, that and the inevitable severe chaffing in the groinal area.
posted by crazytigerrabbitman at
6:18 PM
3 Comments:
Step back man, I'm not a black man. But when I rock a mic I rock a fat jam.
By
Buff Tan Honky, at 8:18 PM
Well, that would explain the horrible smell this morning. I recommend any scent from the Axe line...one of the guys at the office wears that stuff and I just melt when he walks by...well that and he's man pretty.
Ocean Blast - does that smell like a tsunami full of bacteria and rotting dead fish/bodies?
By
STP, at 8:08 AM
Yes I smell like Roadkill after a few hours. SO WHAT!!!!
By
K. Restoule, at 10:12 AM
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