Process Protest

I am announcing to the modern world - here and now - that I am forevermore boycotting the word “process”, as well as eliminating my having anything to do with my being involved in a “process” of any sort.

When did everything in life suddenly become a “process”?

It seems that the word “process” has become the new buzzword for your average business-minded jackass at large. Everybody drops this word around my office place now. Even in my personal life, as well as in my normal every day conversations, people continue to mention and refer to all these on-going “processes” in life for which they are involved.

It’s enough to make you scream.

Life is a series of complex processes it’s true. I won’t deny that. From the cellular level onward, life itself would not exist if it weren’t for the extremely mystical processes that create the natural world around us. Mother Nature is a mad scientist.

But, honestly, when did everybody just stop doing shit?

Nobody actually does anything anymore; everyone is part of a process. The very word “process” itself seems to have become known as another way of saying: “I’ll get around to it. Now quit bugging me, fuckstick”.

What would happen if our little amoeba buddies decided to stop splitting and growing, and instead decided to involve themselves in a “process”? Christ, everything in life would probably end up looking like some genetic freak and take twice as long to get there. Thankfully, our cells commit themselves to the task at hand and do their job from the get go. The people at my work lately are not as diligent.

Lets look at the actual definition of “Process”:

Process (proh-sess) - noun “a series of actions or operations used in making or achieving of something”.

So it seems to indicate that there is supposed to be some final positive end result. Except that there is also an old adage that goes “too many cooks spoil the soup”. Which is to say, the more people you include in performing these specific actions or operations the more likely the chance of something fucking up and going awry preventing any kind of achievement whatsoever.

Personally, I like to get shit done. I need that old fashioned sense of accomplishment to validate my hard efforts.

I don’t contribute to a “process”. Pussies contribute to a “process”. It sounds more like something having to do with making cheese.

But regardless, everything is a process these days. It’s all “process this” and “process that” at the end of the day. The next unfortunate person that asks me to contribute to a process is going to inevitably end up with having my office swivel chair immediately processed up their ass.

Just leave me along so I can get some shit done!

Marriage Wows

I discovered yet another pet peeve of mine.

I know, I know…somebody call Guinness, right? I might just be the world’s most crankiest individual it’s true, but surely others get annoyed listening to married couples flippantly complain about never getting any sex. Surely I am not alone here? These inconsiderate, celibate bastards must be stopped!

I want to judo kick this particular breed of complainer in the junk. Thanks for ruining the dream for the rest of us!

I mean, what is the holy bond of matrimony if not the license to fuck?

It’s written right into the actual nuptials isn’t it? “With this ring, I thee wed, and with it, I bestow upon thee all the treasures of my mind, heart, and hands.”

Hello? That’s doesn’t sound like a calling to cease and desist having sex to me. Believe me, I have lots of treasures to bestow on the future Mrs. Terry Nash - particularly of the hand variety!

Or how about the whole “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part” part? Boy, that sure sounds like an invitation to me!

“Gentlemen, start your engines!”

But still, there are plenty of couples out there who insist on publicly announcing their lack of inhibitions. Maybe they didn’t clearly understand what carnal expectations were being made of them at the time. So maybe this part of the wedding vow is a little outdated and is therefore worthy of a little revamping to suit our more modern times.

“I Terry Nash, take you (enter victim’s name here), to be my lawfully wedded wife and sex slave. To have and to boink, day in and day out, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in fuzzy handcuffs, to love and to manhandle 'till my heart explodes with passionate desire. And hereto I pledge you my erection.”

That’s more like it.

I don’t know about anyone else, but I had envisioned my married life to be one filled with the kind of sex that would make Ron Jeremy blush. It’ll be a veritable avalanche of pussy!

Married people should be permanently fused together at the genitals for all the wild, freaky sex they should be having. Immediately following the nuptials, the recognized legal union between two loved ones should commence into one, non-stop porno shoot.

That’s the kind of happy, successful marriage I want! One with scats of filthy depraved illegal-in-most-states kind of sex. I expect that come my own wedding, the handwritten signatures on our marriage license will be all shaky and near illegible due to the fact that we were also busy reaming each other at the same time.

What inspiration is there for me in knowing that there are married couples out there all whining about never having sex anymore?

Hell, I already know what that’s like!