Marriage Wows
I discovered yet another pet peeve of mine.
I know, I know…somebody call Guinness, right? I might just be the world’s most crankiest individual it’s true, but surely others get annoyed listening to married couples flippantly complain about never getting any sex. Surely I am not alone here? These inconsiderate, celibate bastards must be stopped!
I want to judo kick this particular breed of complainer in the junk. Thanks for ruining the dream for the rest of us!
I mean, what is the holy bond of matrimony if not the license to fuck?
It’s written right into the actual nuptials isn’t it? “With this ring, I thee wed, and with it, I bestow upon thee all the treasures of my mind, heart, and hands.”
Hello? That’s doesn’t sound like a calling to cease and desist having sex to me. Believe me, I have lots of treasures to bestow on the future Mrs. Terry Nash - particularly of the hand variety!
Or how about the whole “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part” part? Boy, that sure sounds like an invitation to me!
“Gentlemen, start your engines!”
But still, there are plenty of couples out there who insist on publicly announcing their lack of inhibitions. Maybe they didn’t clearly understand what carnal expectations were being made of them at the time. So maybe this part of the wedding vow is a little outdated and is therefore worthy of a little revamping to suit our more modern times.
“I Terry Nash, take you (enter victim’s name here), to be my lawfully wedded wife and sex slave. To have and to boink, day in and day out, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in fuzzy handcuffs, to love and to manhandle 'till my heart explodes with passionate desire. And hereto I pledge you my erection.”
That’s more like it.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I had envisioned my married life to be one filled with the kind of sex that would make Ron Jeremy blush. It’ll be a veritable avalanche of pussy!
Married people should be permanently fused together at the genitals for all the wild, freaky sex they should be having. Immediately following the nuptials, the recognized legal union between two loved ones should commence into one, non-stop porno shoot.
That’s the kind of happy, successful marriage I want! One with scats of filthy depraved illegal-in-most-states kind of sex. I expect that come my own wedding, the handwritten signatures on our marriage license will be all shaky and near illegible due to the fact that we were also busy reaming each other at the same time.
What inspiration is there for me in knowing that there are married couples out there all whining about never having sex anymore?
Hell, I already know what that’s like!
I know, I know…somebody call Guinness, right? I might just be the world’s most crankiest individual it’s true, but surely others get annoyed listening to married couples flippantly complain about never getting any sex. Surely I am not alone here? These inconsiderate, celibate bastards must be stopped!
I want to judo kick this particular breed of complainer in the junk. Thanks for ruining the dream for the rest of us!
I mean, what is the holy bond of matrimony if not the license to fuck?
It’s written right into the actual nuptials isn’t it? “With this ring, I thee wed, and with it, I bestow upon thee all the treasures of my mind, heart, and hands.”
Hello? That’s doesn’t sound like a calling to cease and desist having sex to me. Believe me, I have lots of treasures to bestow on the future Mrs. Terry Nash - particularly of the hand variety!
Or how about the whole “To have and to hold, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in health, to love and to cherish 'till death do us part” part? Boy, that sure sounds like an invitation to me!
“Gentlemen, start your engines!”
But still, there are plenty of couples out there who insist on publicly announcing their lack of inhibitions. Maybe they didn’t clearly understand what carnal expectations were being made of them at the time. So maybe this part of the wedding vow is a little outdated and is therefore worthy of a little revamping to suit our more modern times.
“I Terry Nash, take you (enter victim’s name here), to be my lawfully wedded wife and sex slave. To have and to boink, day in and day out, from this day forward, for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness or in fuzzy handcuffs, to love and to manhandle 'till my heart explodes with passionate desire. And hereto I pledge you my erection.”
That’s more like it.
I don’t know about anyone else, but I had envisioned my married life to be one filled with the kind of sex that would make Ron Jeremy blush. It’ll be a veritable avalanche of pussy!
Married people should be permanently fused together at the genitals for all the wild, freaky sex they should be having. Immediately following the nuptials, the recognized legal union between two loved ones should commence into one, non-stop porno shoot.
That’s the kind of happy, successful marriage I want! One with scats of filthy depraved illegal-in-most-states kind of sex. I expect that come my own wedding, the handwritten signatures on our marriage license will be all shaky and near illegible due to the fact that we were also busy reaming each other at the same time.
What inspiration is there for me in knowing that there are married couples out there all whining about never having sex anymore?
Hell, I already know what that’s like!
posted by crazytigerrabbitman at
2:23 PM
1 Comments:
Make sure to leave time for a grapes and Crown break...gotta refuel, you know?
By
STP, at 1:50 PM
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