In-Store Stereo Kill Switch

I happened to catch myself singing along with a little ditty that was being played on the in-store music system while I was wandering the aisles at Canadian Tire this past weekend. The tune was instantly recognizable to my subconscious, even after many years, and I just immediately jumped into the lyrics and began singing them softly to myself before my conscious was able to process what I was doing…

…which was singing along to the ever popular loser’s torch song of unrequited love ‘Love Song’ by the original Godfather’s of Goth, the Cure.

"However far away
I will always love you
However long I stay
I will always love you
Whatever words I say
I will always love you
I will always love you"

That’s weird to be hearing that in a hardware store, right?

I should be scratching my chest and having an erection over power drills and circular saws, not getting all misty-eyed and remorseful over the bitchy Melissa Peckermunch back in Grade 10, who continually failed to acknowlegde my fragile and awkward pre-pubescent advances, nor to return any of my passed love notes in Algebra class! Plus, weeping like a gay man at a wedding in the aisle at a hardware store isn’t exactly going to win any female’s affections now either, is it?

I’m not so sure it’s a wise decision to play such depressing, nobody-loves-me, Goth music over the stereo system knowing that there may be impressionable robotic shoppers, like myself, wandering the aisles of potentially deadly tools and appliances.

That's not a 'Play' button on the store stereo, it's a 'Kill' switch!

That’s all the Canadian Tire managers need is to have someone unconsciously triggered into a psychotic episode while browsing ball peen hammers in Aisle 7 and go on a killing spree in the Automotive Department.

I know it wouldn’t be entirely unfathomable for me to suddenly get all depressed and suicidal after subliminally listening to Fat Bob and the boys drone on morosely, luring me into a near coma, as if I had just received a sodium pentathol enema.

Who the fuck would blame me for going all schitzo and trying to dismember a checkout clerk with a retracting Black & Decker rotor saw? Robert Smith could invoke homicidal tendencies in a neutered koala bear!

In an environment that houses so many possible instruments of murder, I just thought it would be more prudent to play something a little more, oh, I don’t know, “chipper” shall we say?

Something like George Thurogood, Steppenwolf, or Rush. Something with a little more positive male energy and testosterone feel to it. Something worthy of singing out loud while shopping for power tools!