"Form of...an Ice Jackass!"

You know who really annoys the fuck out of me – people who bang their fists. Usually, this kind of activity is rampant among testosterone-stricken males as an outward expression of their cool machismo. How did this ever become a hip greeting among civilized upright primates? Nobody bangs fists anymore; that was so 1970’s - and even then it was gay as hell!

I hate that awkward moment when one of these uber-trendy retro hipsters jut out their fist, leveled midair into my chest, eagerly awaiting me to reciprocate by lightly punching it with my own balled up fist.

Uh-huh, no way Huggy Bear! If we bang fists we’d better be activating our ‘Wonder Twins’ powers, in which case I’m going to take the form of a giant ice dildo and shove it straight up your sorry ass!

Whenever I see two guys shamelessly banging their fists together in greeting I get a sense of evil superiority. I am secure in knowing that my genes have obviously flowed from another richer pool.

Inevitably, these would be the same two drunken schleps with their shirts stripped off and sweatily hugging one another and slapping backs like two Mary’s in the front row at a rock concert. The best any of us can hope for these rhubarbs is that they miss touching their fists in the middle, and knock each other at with a double right cross to the chops.