The Ultra-Violet Diet

My sunburn from the previous weekends camping excursion is beginning to flake so badly that within an hour or so at work, my swivel chair was centered square in the middle of a pile of flaked skin, and I was sitting there looking like a snowman at the North Pole.

I feel so repulsive as if I’m melting on the spot before my peers. This isn’t exactly the weight loss plan that I had in mind when I decided it was time to diet!

But shedding pounds is shedding pounds to me – regardless whether it’s my skin being shed from my body like the scales off a dehydrated rattlesnake, or the actual fat off my body while I pedal my ass off on an exorcize cycle.

Shit, I’ve just stumbled upon the perfect dieting plan!

Fuck calculating out your overall calorie counts, body fat percentages, carbohydrate amounts, and maximum heart rates – leave that to the spandexed uber-fit lettuceheads. Likewise, you can finally take all your ridiculous Ab-Flexes, Bo-Flexes, Deal-a-Meals, Stepmasters, Stairmasters, Exercise Balls, Tummy Toners, Taibo videotapes, Dynamic Juicers, and any treadmill-ski-thingamjigee’s that may still be laying around collecting dust in the back of your closet along with your graduation suit and shoebox of porn, and shove them up the asses of any good-looking buff person that may be standing conveniently around you.

From now on, I’m going to harness the incredible fat burning energy of the sun and let nature work its weight-reducing miracles on me instead. I’ll just slather myself in butter, pour myself a nice cocktail, and sit out in the blistering heat unprotected and soak up the UV’s until the pounds literally flake off effortlessly!

Eat your heart out Richard Simmons – and kiss my pink 3rd degree burned ass Suzanne Powers – pass the Lactancia Jenny Craig, daddy’s got some pounds to burn off…

…LITERALLY!