Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Tuesday, September 06, 2005

I, Cauliflower

Day Four of my self-imposed diet.

I think my body is dealing with the severe hunger pains and dieting stress by shutting itself completely down every time I enter into any prone position for more than 30 seconds. I thought this whole “eating healthy” thing is supposed to make you more energetic and revitalize your entire zest for life? Au contraire, I feel about as hollow and lifeless as a deflated basketball. Even simple everyday thought processes resonate in my ears lately like ice cubes being dropped into an empty tall glass.

Why is that? Lately, I need a three-hour nap after even nibbling a single serving of broccoli. I think vegetables are actually sapping my bodies energy, or more correctly, fat and cholesterol where what was really keeping my body functioning in the first place. I’m afraid if I were ever to eat an entire bowl of garden salad I may actually lapse into a Rip Van Winkle-esque coma once and for all!

Medics would find me unconscious on the kitchen floor in front of the refrigerator (where I no doubt made my last ditch attempt in vain to reach sustainable empty calories) and attempt to revive me by ramming peanut butter sandwiches down my throat.

“Eat, you fat bastard, EAT!

How embarrassing would that obituary read?

“Terry Nash, aged 33, died of Anaphylactic Shock brought on by the eating of too many raw fruits and vegetables and a distinct lack of stabilizing grams of trans fat. His life could have been saved and another tragic early death could have been avoided if only responding EMS officials had been able to get a rack of ribs to him sooner.”

Dieting would suck donkey balls, except that those are probably too salty or fattening and unhealthy. So dieting sucks cabbage balls instead.

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