Indiversity Day

Okay, check this out:

Faced again with controversy over plans for a gay speaker, Viroqua High School officials have cancelled Diversity Day.

The event, held every two years since 2000 for juniors and seniors, had been set for Thursday.

Scheduled speakers included Hmong, Jewish, Muslim, American Indian, African American, Latino, Buddhist, gay, physically disadvantaged and economically disadvantaged people.

But it was called off late last week after a legal group raised a potential challenge to include a formerly gay or Christian viewpoint.

Umm, q'est que fuck?

Let me get this horseshit straight - if I am interpretting that correctly, a GAY speaker is refusing to be heard alongside a FORMERLY gay representative? Somebody's just having us on here - right?

When committee members heard that some wanted the ex-gay viewpoint presented, they contacted the homosexual couple who would be speaking and the couple refused to participate alongside the ex-gay viewpoint.

Gregg Attleson, a Spanish teacher at Viroqua who was on the Diversity Day planning committee stated that the currently-gay couple indicated that they would be "uncomfortable" speaking alongwith ex-gays. Now you'd think that they might actually appreciate talking shop with someone who might actually understand, and even appreciate, from where they were coming from. At the very least, there might have been some sparks of romance. So it all sounds like a big case of sour grapes to me.

“Non-positive groups were not what we were going for,” said Ellen Byers, an English teacher on the committee.

But who knew homosexuals were such haters? Just leave it to the gays to go and spoil all the fun.

“Our students are not going to be living their lives out in Viroqua,” said Attleson. “They’ll be out and about in the world - in jobs, in the military, in the university - and they’re going to come into contact with people of different backgrounds. And we feel it would be real helpful for them in a nice safe place, like a high school, to have contact and be able to dispel some of the stereotypes.” Just imagine what the stereotype must be of ex-gays then if they were excluded from Diversity Day!

It was deemed important to have homosexuals represented because a lot of misunderstanding exists about the issue and because Viroqua has gay students. However, I guess once you cross over that line into total Fagdom, there's simply no coming back. You'd think that the good god-fearing people of Viroqua would embrace with open arms anyone who managed to rescue themselves back from the brink of complete homosexuality. It's like the gay Soprano's or something.

Now, the legal group in question, Liberty Counsel*, argued in a fax that “by excluding the Christian and ex-gay viewpoints, the (Viroqua) District violates the Establishment Clause and the Fourteenth Amendment guarantee of equal protection." But here's the best part in my humble oppinion: the fax also stated that Don Greven, pastor of Bad Axe Lutheran Church, and Charles Lind, grandfather of a Viroqua High senior, had raised the concerns about no Christian or formerly gay viewpoints being among the Diversity Day speakers.

You mean it was a Man of God who was complaining that there were no heatherns and former pillow-biters represented? Worlds must be colliding out in the infinite void of space right now because that could very well be the singlemost fucked up thing I have ever heard.

* Which, by the way, is a national public interest law firm with offices in Florida and Virginia. This whole Diversity Day nonsense is just getting too fucking weird now.

Arrrgh, Matey!

In an unpresidented show of cahones, pirates off the coast of Somalia attacks two U.S. warships while patrolling in the Indian Ocean.

The pirates attacked the USS Cape St. George, a guided-missile cruiser, and the USS Gonzalez, a guided-missile destroyer, in a small wooden boat armed only with shoulder-fired rocket launchers that looked as if they had been recovered from an Al-Quida 'Going Out of Business' sale. Hardly the arsenaul that one would need to take on two heavily armed American patrol ships...even one named the USS Gonzalez*.

Needless to say the pirates boat was disintegrated. One of the pirates was killed and five more were wounded, the Navy said. Twelve suspects in all were apprehended and taken into custody in a skirmish that was over before it ever began.

That must have been some good shit those pirates were snorting before they decided that they would take on the Yanks in their armored sailing vessels in a classic David vs. Goliath style naval battle. They must have been feeling better than invinsible! These badasses must have spent the morning sprinkling China White on their Corn Flakes and watching 'Pirates of the Carribean' for the zillionth time before they went all Tony Montana.

But still, you have to admore that kind of blind aggression. It's good to know that todays pirates don't descriminate among who they attack and plunder. In this case, Polly just bit off more cracker than he could chew.

* This particular name was chosen over other such strong possible classy ship names as USS Raoul, USS Enriques, and the USS Samuel L. Jackson.

The Amazing Disgrace (Reprise)

I have cast my ballot for this years 'Insensitive Retard of a Spouse Award'.

One of my secret shames is my addiction to 'The Amazing Race' on Tuesday nights. It amuses me to no end to watch stupid Americans stumblefuck and bitch their way around the globe. This past weeks episode offered me a true opus magnus of this stupidity when the team of Ray and Yolanda arrived at the Chaika Bassein in Moscow.

Ray himself even stated for the record as his girlfriend stood trembling atop the 10 meter diving platform like a scared puppy "she (Yolanda) said before we began this race that she didn't want to do any water challenges."

So having arrived at a huge outdoor Olympic training pool and recieving their next "Pit Stop" challenge, ominously entitled "Take a Plunge" - who do you think immediately volunteers the poor Yolanda? That's right. Ray.

Good play, retard. Why not just volunteer her to jump into an active volcano?

Likewise, the team of Wanda and Desiree decided to pool their collective brain power to conclude that Wanda, who suffers from deep water aquaphopia, should be the one to "Take A Plunge". I would think this clue, along with the specifics of this particular setting, gave a pretty damn good indication of what could be expected in the next challenge, wouldn't you?

Even a coma patient could figure out that encryption!

But unfortunately, both women avoided drowning and the teams were able to continue on in the race. On the fortunate side, however, is that so far, all the uber-annoying teams have been eliminated off the cuff including the nagging homosexuals and the token middle-aged bible thumpers who managed to drag themselves to the finish line in last place two weeks ago reeking of piss. They may have had God on their side but the cabbies sure didn't seem too thrilled about having Betsy-Wetsy leaking all over their back seats.

On Strike!

Palestinians are now protesting in Gaza and the West Bank after the recent jail attack and seizure of one, Ahmed Saadat, by Israeli forces in Jericho...

...by going ON STRIKE?!

Will somebody explain this to me please? Even trying as hard as I might, I still can't wrap my brain around this most peculiar political strategy - not that I've ever fully understood anything of Middle Eastern policy in the first place mind you. But this just seems so perfectly warped that it is just too juicy to pass up.

Arn't Gaza and the West Bank pretty much prison states as they are in the first place? So what are they going to strike with exactly? I'm not sure the whole concept of "strike" is one hundred per cent crystal clear to your average Palestinian. But then again, these are the same people who, more often than not, settle disputes by strapping bombs to children and sending them to play at the mall. You already know they're not playing with a full deck. Nevermind sending U.N. troops and medical aid - send them disgruntled GM workers! They'll get their political shit together!

What are they going to withhold on this "strike" exactly? They live on a pile of rubble last I checked. Are they going to keep their dust and suicide bombers all to themselves? Because that would be a real tragedy.

"And if that doesn't get the Zionists attention," said Hamas spokesman Mahmoud Zahhar, "We will start kicking each other in the balls!"

Personally, I've had it to the nines with practically the whole Middle East. To me, the answer is about as easy as Tara Reid after a few Long Island Ice Teas: just supply them with as many guns and explosives as they want and then revert all our funding and assistance programs to building a huge blast-proof dome overtop the entire area and then just wait for the dust to settle.

"Would you like to touch my Hairy Lobster?"

STOP THE PRESSES!

Just nine hundred miles south of Easter Island in the middle of the Pacific, marine biologists have plucked a brand-spanking new lifeform from the oceans depths.

How exciting!

That's right, folks! A US-led team from the Monterey Bay Aquarium Research Institute in California managed to find themselves a genuine hairy lobster.

Is anybody else giggling to themselves? It sounds to me like something you'd find being marketed at any gentleman's club on the outskirts of town.

But, unbelieveably, it's all true.

Kiwa hirsuta, or the "Yeti Crab", as it has been dubbed*, is white and 15cm (5.9in) long with an usual "surprising characteristic": the animal's pincers are covered with sinuous, hair-like strands. It is thought that the hairy pincers contain lots of filamentous bacteria to detoxify poisonous minerals from the water, allowing K. hirsuta to survive the deep sea hydrothermal vents, which spew out fluids that are toxic to many animals.

Alternatively, the animal may actually feed on the bacteria that live in the hair-like strands.

Whatever, my lower extremities are all-atingle just talking about it. Merely mentioning the "hairy lobster" makes all the dollar bills in my wallet jump to attention.

Nevermind the fact that already it looks like a huge fuzzy vagina already.

This new species is just bound to be all the rage as a menu du jour for lunch buffets and garden parties world round. I mean, who wouldn't want to order themselves a hairy lobster?

* Yeah, because that sounds soooooo much better!

Tim Horton's Horrorshow (Reprise)

I have clearly articulated before that I am already skeptical of anything to do with Tim Horton's. In fact, I'll even go on record to add that I now can't even stand people who frequent Tim Horton's either. They're like mindless zombies in that they simply cannot function adequately unless they have their beloved Timmy's in hand.

I'd rather allow myself to be used as the love toy for a Greek army battalion than be forced to work in the near vicinity of any person who fixates on their Double-Double's in the same way that zombies seek out brains on which to feed.

I just consider it bad mojo.

I was almost mowed down today at an intersection by some idiot behind the wheel of his SUV as he tried to "Roll up the Rim to Win!" instead of focusing on the road in front of him like he should have been. Heaven's forbid that I should ever come in the way of his winning another large coffee and bagel! I hope that underneath the rim of his coffee, instead of the usual contest disclosure, he found the following warning:

"Watch the fucking road, jackass!"