"Two-Hand Agressive"

It was announced today that my workplace would be sponsoring a “two-hand aggressive” recreational football league on the weekends. What the fuck is that? Sounds like what I play every weekend at my apartment already while absent-mindedly flipping through the latest Playboy magazine.

I couldn’t play in any league that labeled itself as “two-hand aggressive”, I would simply get too excited during play like a substitute High School History teacher dancing naked to drum circles at a Summer Solstice festival, and have to stop every 10 yards to spank one out. If I were to actually attempt to contribute to the game itself, out of the sheer volume of necessity I would probably grow a third arm out of my chest to jerk off with so that I could still handle the game ball as well.