Classical Synchronicity

How did synchronized swimming and rhythmic gymnastics ever become Olympic sports? I don’t figure that the ancient Greeks were ever caught dead paddling around the flooded Coliseum arena like a bunch of decorated sea monkeys in sparkly bathing togas, forming Water Wheels and Eiffel Tower formations in unison and high-kicking out of the water to lute music. It just didn’t happen!

“Appolonius and Hadrian, son of Theolonius, are about to perform the ‘Blossoming Orchid’ part of their routine. Now, this requires them to hold their breath underwater for an entire three minutes. This is quite difficult, even for a team of veteran swimmers like these two. Shhhh, let’s watch! Isn’t that wonderful? Pass the garum.”

Even Emperor Nero, the pansy-ass aficionado of arts that he was, would have fed them to the lions for their displayed weak femininity if they ever dared to grace the Coliseum in matching sparkly terra cotta bathing caps claiming to be “athletes”.

Synchronized Swimming and Rhythmic Gymnastics are not likely going to be part of any legitimate sporting competitions that I’m going to into, but instead should be made a part of a separate ‘Alternative Lifestyles Olympics’ to be aired before the even the ‘Special Olympics’. Other noted ‘Alternative Lifestyle’ events to be included would be: Freestyle Gloryholing, Catwalking, the Scratch n’ Kick-aton, 100m Cross-Dressing Dash, Synchronized Taibo, the Decorating Decathalon, Ballroom Dancing, and the Poodle Toss.