Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Tuesday, July 05, 2005

"Lets get ready to RUUUUUUUUUUUMBLE!!"

(Okay, so I fell for it. So what? Don't read it then!)

Here’s something directly out of the world’s “What the Fuck?” file:

“Spectators cheered as entire Cambodian Midget Fighting League squared off against African Lion”.

Holy shit, and I thought that my job sucked the balls! At least my boss doesn’t throw me to the fucking lions on a sporting whim!

Are employment opportunities so limited these days for the vertically challenged that they desperate enough to take on a pissed off lion in a cruel and vicious bloodsport? Weren’t they just casting for the new ‘Charlie & the Chocolate Factory? Is this what happens to unsuccessful midgets in this world? I mean, where else do you go in life as a midget when you can’t pass an audition to be an Oompa-Loompa?

Apparently, you join the Cambodian Midget Fighting League (CMFL) and pit yourself against a starving lion. Not since Emperor Nero tossed pesky Christians to the savage beasts during the main event at the Roman Coliseum (or, even more recently, Little Beaver vs. King Kong Bundy at Wrestlemania III) has there been such a ruthless sporting spectacle.

The fight was slated when an angry fan contested Yang Sihamoni, President of the CMFL (a position of high esteem I’m sure, even more than being the Chairman of the Board for the ‘Loatian Lesbian Kickboxing Association’), claiming that one lion could defeat his entire league of 42 wrestlers.

Pardon? You mean, some toothless Cambodian rhubarb (what kind of person would take the CMFL so seriously anyways?) challenges your reputation on some ridiculous bet and Sihamoni just willingly offers up his midgets to the kill like he was betting at craps? Nice guy.

The fight has been sold out three weeks before the much-anticipated fight, which took place in the city of Kampong-Chnang. Shiamoni conveyed in his advertising campaign for the CMFL, which he helped to create, that his midgets would “…take on anything; man, beast, or machine.” Shit, I guess he should have started off by pitting them against a riding lawn mower first, huh?

The real shocking thing is that the Cambodian government allowed the fight to take place, under the condition that they received %50 commission on each ticket sold, and that no cameras would be allowed in the arena. Gee, that’s too bad because the memorial post card sales of little ‘Tiny Duk Kim’s’ body being flung around the ring like a rag doll would have generated some impressive global revenues for PETA!

The fight was called in only 12 minutes, after which 28 fighters were declared dead, while the other 14 suffered severe injuries including broken and lost limbs rendering them unable to fight back (not that the primary assault was very impressive either).

It must have been absolute carnage as the lion mawed his way through the front line of midget wrestlers like Dom DeLuise at an ‘All-U-Can-Eat Pasta Buffet’.

Shiamoni was quoted before the fight stating that he felt his fighters numbered the lion 42-1, that they “…could out-wit, and out-muscle (it)”. Hey, this isn’t ‘Survivor’ you fuck up!

This guy definitively wins the ‘Ass hat of the Year’ award.


  • I almost wish I could have seen that. If they were dumb enough to do it, then they got what they deserved.

    By Blogger Sandi, at 10:01 AM  

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