E=MCfat

When did dieters also become wizards of mathematics?

To me, most dieters look tense and emaciated; the type of person you wouldn’t expect to add two coconuts together correctly. And suddenly, in the blink of an eye they can calculate - in their heads no less – their daily calorie intake and total body fat production and somehow equate it to E=MC2, the Pythagorus Theorum, and the Caramilk Secret for fuck sakes.

Are tofu and bean sprouts giving them incredible mathematical skills or something? Shit, if that's the case, I'm quitting this diet before I turn into Rainman! I wonder then how many apples Isaac Newton had to munch before he devised the Laws of Gravity anyways?

It just seems that most dieters have this sudden amazing ability to work out complex equations while fondling particular grocery items in the aisles of their local supermarket. It’s almost like they have an actual superhuman power or something - a nerd’s version of an actual X-Men, if you will. They may not be able to otherwise work out a %10 gratuity without taking their shoes and socks off, but put a bag of Kettle chips in their hand, and suddenly they become so smart that Steven Hawking himself would stand up to give them a bow.