Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Wednesday, September 28, 2005

Kill Martha Stewart

Martha Stewart blows donkeys. How’s that for a powerful opening statement, huh?

After wasting an hour of my life on ‘Martha Stewart: Apprentice’, I have this incredible urge now to burn things to the ground. What can I say? She really brings out the barbed contemptuousness in me. If I had the opportunity to crash a plane into some remote mountain, I’d have Martha Stewart strapped outside to the nose cone riding that sucker all the way in*!

Fuck Martha Stewart and the sandalwood-scented cornucopia she rode in on!

I annoyed me no end, pained me even, to hear her final overall assessment of the inevitable elimination boardroom drama at the show's end: “I worked hard; I never quit; I went to jail and ended up even richer and more celebrated; I could take a shit at the top of Mt. Kilimanjaro and wipe my as with a mountain gorilla and people would still make the pilgrimage to sniff the insoles of my Himalayan hiking shoes which have been craftily stitched together with genuine panda pubic hair.” Shit, this crazy bitch is one step away from professing to have died for our sins! C’mon, a little kerosene and a book of matches sounds pretty tempting right about now, huh?

I hate to burst your bubble there, bitchcake, but what about the whole going to jail for insider trading thing? Or how about that other little slice of humble pie – obstruction of justice? Camp Cupcake? Anyone? Hell-ooooooooooooooo?

Here's a scrupleless, materialistic opportunist who leapt at the chance to sell her faithful stockholders down the shitter just to make another kajillion dollars. What with all those past lies and calumnies, why are we still allowing ourselves to be brainwashed into putting so much stock in Martha’s haloed business acumen? That's like taking gambling advice from someone named 'Dallas'. You're just asking to get fucked.

And just where is all this “creativity” and "uniqueness" that Martha is so renown for anyways? The world needs another reality-based boardroom soap opera like it needs another Black Plague. Seems to me that her whole show is really just a gay man’s ‘Apprentice’ with Donald Trump.

Do us all a favor Martha, and just stick with folding dinner napkins into exact little likenesses of the Pyramids at Giza and making statuettes of penguins out of fuscilli, ‘kay sweetheart? Leave the real executive boardroom brouhaha’s to the rich assholes in toupee’s.

* I have already reserved the cockpit for the ‘Barenaked Ladies’.


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