Jail House Crock
Domestic trendsetter Martha Stewart checked into a Federal Prison Camp in Alderson, West Virginia today to begin serving her five-month prison sentence for stock fraud.
Now, recognized only as prisoner No. 55170-054, the happy homemaker was presented with her new prison uniform of brown khakis pants, black shirt, and steel toe boots. WTF? Steel toe boots? What does a guilty prison inmate, regardless of prior non-violent tendencies, ever need steel toe boots for? Particularly at a place that they affectionately call “Camp Cupcake”? Are these for the inevitable cellblock beat-downs that fresh fish Martha is planning on delivering to the other inmates in her bid to assert herself as the prisons dominant Alpha Bitch? I can't bring my crocheting hooks on any domestic flight, but prison inmates are required to wear steel toe boots? Sheesh!
Martha will be spending her time with another woman and will not be allowed to conduct any business. Let me get this straight: she makes her fame and fortune baking pies, organizing cupboards, trimming rosebushes, and making ornamental swans out of old newspapers, and then she’s NOT allowed to conduct business while incarcerated? Oh yeah, that’s some punishment!
That must have been some sentencing: “…and further more Martha, you will not be permitted to make, bake, craft, clean, or organize ANYTHING in your cell for the duration of your sentence.”
It'll be like serving your sentance at Euro-Disney.
So for a whole five months she’ll just be sitting there on her bunk in her cell, staring off into space, and stroking a mouse. “There, there, Mr. Jenkins. All you need to add to that bland cafeteria shingle is just a dash of rosemary and cinnamon and you’ll create that perfect flavor to spice up any prison meal.”
Now, recognized only as prisoner No. 55170-054, the happy homemaker was presented with her new prison uniform of brown khakis pants, black shirt, and steel toe boots. WTF? Steel toe boots? What does a guilty prison inmate, regardless of prior non-violent tendencies, ever need steel toe boots for? Particularly at a place that they affectionately call “Camp Cupcake”? Are these for the inevitable cellblock beat-downs that fresh fish Martha is planning on delivering to the other inmates in her bid to assert herself as the prisons dominant Alpha Bitch? I can't bring my crocheting hooks on any domestic flight, but prison inmates are required to wear steel toe boots? Sheesh!
Martha will be spending her time with another woman and will not be allowed to conduct any business. Let me get this straight: she makes her fame and fortune baking pies, organizing cupboards, trimming rosebushes, and making ornamental swans out of old newspapers, and then she’s NOT allowed to conduct business while incarcerated? Oh yeah, that’s some punishment!
That must have been some sentencing: “…and further more Martha, you will not be permitted to make, bake, craft, clean, or organize ANYTHING in your cell for the duration of your sentence.”
It'll be like serving your sentance at Euro-Disney.
So for a whole five months she’ll just be sitting there on her bunk in her cell, staring off into space, and stroking a mouse. “There, there, Mr. Jenkins. All you need to add to that bland cafeteria shingle is just a dash of rosemary and cinnamon and you’ll create that perfect flavor to spice up any prison meal.”
posted by crazytigerrabbitman at
3:56 PM
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