Wheelchair Ripoff

At this past Sunday’s Buffalo Bills football game, somebody stole the wheelchair belonging to a thirteen year old boy. What an incredibly astute execution of the perfect crime! What was the poor boy going to do? Give pursuit?

You stole a handicapped kids chair. Man, the perpetrators of this theft must be absolutely beside themselves with triumph. You just stole the only means of transport for one of Jerry’s Kids; time for a Goldschlager!

I’m not sure if I can actually picture the crime in my minds eye though. Was the kid out of his chair at the time of the theft or was he absent from the chair? Did he have to be skillfully distracted from the chair with a “HEY, LOOK! IS THAT O.J. SIMPSON OVER THERE?” before making the move? Or if not, how come the kid was in a regular able-bodied seat and not occupying the one being used by his vacant chair? Is he occupying TWO seats? Surely this can't be the case; otherwise I'd throw the little seat-mooching handicapped bastard to the wolves myself and sell his wheelchair for scrap metal!

Can you imagine the pre-theft planning huddle before perpetrating the crime?

“Okay, Larry. You Ready? It’s time to go for the motherload, buddy! Now you run a cross pattern play from the hot dog vender to where you meet the mark, mid-aisle as he makes his move to the shitter at half time, and I’ll circle around behind and run a counter defensive maneuver to distract your escape. Ready? BREAK!”

Mmore than likely, the chair was not intentionally stolen so much as it was borrowed in order to wheel the incoherent Billy Fucknuts around the parking lot trying to find his lost car after he made too many beer funnels in the pre-game sauceup.