Candy Crux
You know what I can’t stand; those bags of Valentine’s Day cinnamon hearts. If there is anything more disgusting on this planet, then I haven’t found it. I’d rather eat a frozen Swanson dinner off a lepers toilet seat than consume just one of these vile cinnamon devils!
Who eats this shit anyways; much less an entire bag of them? Only a complete sadist would ever consider scooping a handful of these cinnamon motherfuckers into their mouth at one time. I think my head would probably implode in on itself with the sheer burn of the overpowering cinnamon flavor. My tongue probably wouldn’t be able to taste anything properly again until maybe Easter!
Furthermore, I have a theory that NOBODY actually DOES eat these things. Radical, I know…but hear me out. Each year, since nobody actually ever purchases them, the stores are in fact restocking their store shelves with the same unsold Valentine’s Day stock from previous years in yet another desperate attempt to unload these foul devil candies on an unsuspecting, and unreciprocating consumers market.
Likewise, these are exactly the same kinds of things that are regularly “re-gifted” to other people each year since nobody actually east this shit. That means, that that bag of special Valentine’s Day cinnamon hearts that you may have received this year from your sweetheart, is probably in fact the same bag of cinnamon hearts was given to them by their mother back in 1997 when at that time, it had already had another 6 other previous owners already!
I’d be afraid to eat any of these cinnamon hearts now lest I should come down with polio, small pox, Bubonic plague, scurvy, or some other now obsolete disease or infection still in existance within that bag of cinnamon candy from other previous generations of Valentine's "re-gifters".
Who eats this shit anyways; much less an entire bag of them? Only a complete sadist would ever consider scooping a handful of these cinnamon motherfuckers into their mouth at one time. I think my head would probably implode in on itself with the sheer burn of the overpowering cinnamon flavor. My tongue probably wouldn’t be able to taste anything properly again until maybe Easter!
Furthermore, I have a theory that NOBODY actually DOES eat these things. Radical, I know…but hear me out. Each year, since nobody actually ever purchases them, the stores are in fact restocking their store shelves with the same unsold Valentine’s Day stock from previous years in yet another desperate attempt to unload these foul devil candies on an unsuspecting, and unreciprocating consumers market.
Likewise, these are exactly the same kinds of things that are regularly “re-gifted” to other people each year since nobody actually east this shit. That means, that that bag of special Valentine’s Day cinnamon hearts that you may have received this year from your sweetheart, is probably in fact the same bag of cinnamon hearts was given to them by their mother back in 1997 when at that time, it had already had another 6 other previous owners already!
I’d be afraid to eat any of these cinnamon hearts now lest I should come down with polio, small pox, Bubonic plague, scurvy, or some other now obsolete disease or infection still in existance within that bag of cinnamon candy from other previous generations of Valentine's "re-gifters".
posted by crazytigerrabbitman at
9:50 PM
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