The Hi's and Low's of Hi-five's

I've endured such trendy gestures as the "Peace Out", the "Hang Loose", the "Sign of the Beast", and even the 'ol "One Finger Salute" from time to time over the years. They come and go in vogue fashion like Cher's Oscar Dresses.

But since when have “Hi-five’s” come back into fashion exactly? The ‘ol noncommittal “I have to acknowledge your presence, but I don’t really want to embrace you in any fashion because you might be carrying something” gesture of the contagious 80’s era?

“Hi-five’s” are for gym class locker rooms and Little League coaches, not for any self-respecting, civilized member of the adult world. Certainly not in the presence of professionals! Maybe I’m just being a bit indignant, but I think it should be made illegal to offer such any such pussy-ass hand gesture as either a greeting, an approval, a congratulations, or even in praise. An offense punishable by having the offender’s pectoral muscles severed so that they are no longer able to raise their arms.

More than I hate “Hi-five’s” are the people who give out “Hi-five’s”. What iceberg did these people melt out of? I can't stand these uber-enthusiastic morons who use every situation as the perfect excuse to exude their machismo. "Hey, way to score that sale. Hi-Five!", or "Hey, I heard you are up for that promotion, Hi-Five!"...even "Hey, thanks for lending me your pen, Hi-Five!"

Enough already! How about:

“Hey buddy, I’m just returning from taking a shit in the bathroom, not rounding third after hitting a Grand Slam, okay? So you can save the “Hi-five’s” for the other limp-wrists down at the lodge there, partner. Who are you anyways, Tony Danza or something? Come back into the 21st century, you retard!"

Shit, with my luck I’d probably go one step too far while still caught in the moment and end up playfully slapping the ass of one of my female superiors at work and end up hosing out the dumpsters behind Zeher’s for minimum wage.