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Thursday, October 06, 2005

Everglade Gutbuster

Just in case I ever needed another reason not to venture into the Sunshine State of Florida, I read an incredible news story about a 13-foot Burmese python that had literally burst while trying to swallow a live, six-foot alligator whole. WHOLE!

Holy shit! That sounds more like the plot of some B-movie sci-fi flick from Monster Island – not the Florida Everglades for god sakes! Just when you thought it was safe to back to Walt Disney World.

It seems that pythons are periodically abandoned in the Everglades by former pet owners and have managed to survive just peachy. In fact, it seems that they have survived about as well as Dom DeLuise on a desert island of rigatoni trees and beaches of chocolate bonbons.

The gory evidence of this epic struggle, the fourth documented in three years, was photographed last week by a helicopter and wild life researcher. Of course, how exactly one manages to take clear nature photos while still piloting a helicopter above the remote swampland are beyond me…but that’s not what’s really cool here. The snake was found with the eaten gators hindquarters protruding from its exploded midsection like a leather cocktail wiener.

The real fear is that these displaced pythons are eventually going to pose a serious threat to other reptiles (such as alligators), otters, woodstorks, squirrels, sparrows, and possibly even humans who unwittingly stumble into their feeding grounds. Remember; this is a state of slow, elderly, retirees who's hobbies include laying in the sun and beating brush looking for lost golf balls. It's a veritable smorgasbord for the like of a hungry python!

It was originally hoped that the alligators would help control the populations of abandoned pythons. But this recorded example apparently proves otherwise and that these pythons are pissed and ready to bite off more than they can chew – literally! It’s bad enough that I’m waiting for Mother Nature to use me as a chew toy or that there are still terrorists and evil-doers lurking around every corner, but now I have to also contend with enormous ass snakes ready, set, and able to swallow me whole?

Fuck Disney World! This year I’m vacationing in the safe, python-free confines of my own locked apartment.

In fact, as silly a childhood phobia as it is, I may never be able to take a peaceful shit again without worrying about some mammoth python taking a melon-sized bite out of my ass.


  • Well, I know it's useless to pit logic against childhood phobias, but pythons don't take a melon-sized bite out of ANYTHING. They squeeze you to death, and then swallow you - slowly, and with great gusto.

    Your ass is safe. From pythons, at least.


    - M

    P.S. You must have some ass, if a melon-sized bite can be taken out of it and there's anything left!

    By Blogger Marcheline, at 4:02 PM  

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