Everything You Ever Wanted to Know About Me

Okay, I’ll bite.

It appeals to my innate love of making lists. I couldn’t complete each and every list that people have either sent me or that I have read recently, so I’ve included a sampling of those certain lists that interested me the most in no particular order or formatting for anyone who gives a shit about these kinds of things:

Seven Things You Plan to Do Before You Die:

1. Get that gag photograph of Mickey Mouse being shafted from behind.
2. Play guitar in front of thousands of screaming people. I would even settle to play the electric triangle.
3. Piledrive Patrick Swayze.
4. Climb Mt. Kilimanjaro and snuggle up to a mountain gorilla.
5. Publish my life’s manifesto: “Life, Universe & Why I Hate Everything In It”.
6. Solve the scientific formula for turning broccoli into gold.
7. Retire to an isolated island in the middle of Georgian Bay and dedicate my life to the study of feline behavioral psychiatry and M*A*S*H reruns.

Fifteen Albums I Would Take to a Dessert Island (Plus 5 more because I couldn’t decide):

1. John Mayall – Bare Wires
2. Van Morrison – Astral Weeks
3. Talk Talk – Spirit of Eden
4. Primal Scream – Screamadelica
5. Rolling Stones – Exile on Main Street
6. Byrds – Notorious Byrd Brothers
7. Miles Davis – Jack Johnson
8. Happy Monday – Thrills, Pills & Bellyaches
9. Spiritualized – Live at Royal Albert Hall
10. Tom Waits – Closing Time
11. Blue Rodeo – Five Days In July
12. Rheostatics – It
13. Verve – A Storm In Heaven
14. Jimi Hendrix – Electric Ladyland
15. Johnny Cash – Live at San Quentin
(honorary mention: Vince Guaraldi Trio – A Boy Named Charlie Brown)

Seven Physical Traits I Look For In the Opposite Sex:

1 boobs
2. boobs
3. boobs
4. butt
5. eyes
6. panties
7. and, oh yeah - boobs. (does this make me shallow?)

Five Favorite Movies:

1. Little Big Man
2. High Plains Drifter
3. Jaws
5. Fear of a Black Hat
6. American Flyers (Added not for any great cinematic significance, but simply due to the fact that I have seen this shameless mauling of an early Kevin Costner role more times than I’d like to admit.)

Five Last Books I Have Read:

1. David Sedaris – Me Talk Pretty One Day
2. Ernest Hemingway – A Moveable Feast
3. David Boyle - WWII In Photographs
4. Tim Willis – Madcap
5. The take-out menu for ‘Mary’s Chinese Food & Donut Emporium’

Three of Your Everyday Essentials:

1. My journal
2. Orange Pekoe
3. Green Onions (both the vegetable and the Booker T varieties)

Five Favorite Music Bands/Artists:

1. Grateful Dead
2. John Mayall
3. Tom Waits
4. Verve
5. Bob Dylan

Three of Your Favorite Songs (at the moment):

1. Little Feat - Fat Man In the Bathtub
2. The Beta Band – Dry the Rain
3. New Fast Automatic Daffodils – Fishes Eyes

Three Dream Jobs:

1. Author
2. Medicinal Marijuana Tester
3. ‘On Hold’ Soundtrack Compilation Specialist

Seven Things I Say Much too Often:

1. What the fuck?
2. Huh?
3. Dude
4. Fuckin-A
5. Pardon?
6. Told ya...
7. Blow me

Two Truths and a Lie (in no particular order):

1. I spent time in a Turkish prison
2. I own more than three Eagles albums
3. I once sneezed on Liam Gallagher at a CD signing and forcing him to cancel Oasis’ first planned North American tour due to a bad case of the sniffles.

Five Hobbies:

1. Blogs. What? Is nobody playing attention here?
2. Live music trading
3. Baiting squirrels across the street in front of cars with peanuts.
4. Mocking my fellow man
5. Perfecting the perfect peanut butter and banana sandwich

Ten Guilty Pleasures:

1. Judge Judy
2. My cat
3. Cracker Jack flavored rice cakes
4. Jim Croce
5. Survivor
6. Homemade scented soap
7. Emily Bronte
8. G. I. Joe comics
9. B-movie horror films
10. BBQ-ing naked

I feel so...ALIVE!