Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Saturday, October 08, 2005

One Flu Over the Cuckoo's Breath

It seems like the good people at CNN have finally found their next great breaking story aimed at scaring the bejesus out of all its viewers. If you listen to Anderson Cooper, Larry King, Wolf Blitzer, or any of the other regular CNN media mandroids, we’re all poised to meet our maker at the hands of the next deadly overdue pandemic – the Avian Flu.

Reports are indicating that the world is overdue for another epic outbreak of something or other that will kill over %50 of the world’s population as quickly as a case of herpes through a Turkish prison. Of course, never one to be melodramatic, Mr. Cooper makes this next possible pandemic something that would make the Bubonic Plague seem more like the spread of Athlete's Foot at the local YMCA.

Hasn’t CNN given us enough to worry about already without raising fears about possible future outbreaks of diseases? I still haven’t finished digging the bomb shelter in my backyard after their last NYC subway bomb threat or taken the boards down off my windows after Hurricane Rita, Stan, Billy Bob, or whoever it was that was last reported blowing this way off the Gulf of Mexico. Now I have to contend with the fact that I may die a horrible death if my pet cockatiel happens to sneeze on me while I’m changing his cuttlebone?

Where does it all end? Where is the life worth living? If you were to believe in every CNN report, you may as well pull the trigger now and end it all before your toes drop off and your lungs begin to bleed out of your ears. Christ, the more I watch CNN the less likely it is that I will never leave my apaprtment again!


  • No kidding. The media over here is so sensationlistic. My wife is British, and I can't believe how much better the news is over in the UK.

    By Blogger Cameron Lawrence, at 4:36 PM  

  • Oh, yes - the news is so much better in the UK.... we're all just fascinated by how many buttered scones Prince William had for tea last week, and (even better) what shocking costumes the boys are going to wear for the next fancy dress ball! Who wants to hear about the nasty, wasty avian flu, anyhow?

    Tongue in cheekily,

    - M

    By Blogger Marcheline, at 10:35 AM  

  • I think we've got something to at least be conscious of here, looking at the numbers, but still: Hasn't our diagnostic, treatment, and most of all germ control (i.e., soaps, washing hands, and the like) gotten any better since the last pandemic?

    By Blogger Scott Cunning, at 2:17 PM  

  • Are you suggesting that my cockatiel is unsavory? Perhaps I should put up a little "Please Wash Your Beak" by his water dish, in an effort to assist in controlling the spread of germs. many buttered scones did Prince William have with his tea last week? That makes a great feature news article right next to the topless strumpet on Page 2. Having lived in the U.K. for a few years, I remember the British newspapers to omit significant world issues altogether in lieu of naked boobies and football scores...correct me if I'm wrong.

    By Blogger crazytigerrabbitman, at 4:01 PM  

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