NyQuil 20/20

Okay.

Can I just say how much I love NyQuil?

Honestly, the stuff is amazing. It’s definitely my preferred drug of choice these days. Not because it works exactly but because the resulting buzz is about the best you can find without having to worry about being charged for public intoxication or possession of a controlled narcotic whenever I decide to trip out and make a total ass of myself in public. The last time I took NyQuil for my head cold I started hallucinating and ended up singing ‘Somewhere That’s Green’ from the Little Shop of Horrors while in line at Subway. Likewise, you won’t have to check yourself into the Betty Ford clinic once you recuperate from your chest cold.

Yeah. This stuff kicks my ass! It’s like the moonshine of the pharmaceutical medicines - the kind of foul, nasty stuff that comes in mason jugs and could strip the paint off cars and provide the subject matter for oodles of Steve Earle songs. I still have the hangover from my first bout of the sniffles back in October.

I have no real preference for either the ‘Daytime’ or ‘Nighttime’ varieties of NyQuil however. After all, my cold virus doesn’t exactly know what time it is nor would it ever give a shit anyways as it’s primary concern already lays elsewhere, namely, in the making me feel like a complete drippy sack of snot. I don’t think for one second that the germs in my system are going to stop their raging Marti Gras just because I happened to accessorize the right timeframe for my chosen cold medicine.

These are germs – not canaries. You can’t trick them into sleeping while you go about your day.

I actually look forward to getting sick now because it means that I can once again indulge in a little mind-altering stimulus the likes of which I haven’t experienced since my first Grateful Dead concert.

Two tablespoons of the stuff and suddenly I turn into Courtney Love.

There should be the added warning on all NyQuil bottle labels:

“Consuming too much of this product, particularly without the expressed consent of a family doctor or physician, can induce drastic distortions of perception and altered states of reality and may cause you to sing show tunes out loud in public.”