Tofu Plankton Meatloaf

Sunday, December 25, 2005

"Holy Nipple Shots, Batman!"

I spent Christmas Eve last night inside on the couch with a bowl of homemade soup, a roasted garlic cheese ball, and Katie Holmes' nipples.

You see, I decided that I just wanted to spend the evening quietly with some rented movies in order to mentally prepare for the tide of insanity that would inevitably follow the next day as part of the regular family Christmas. As was the plan, I settled down to watch ‘Batman Begins’ and was amused to learn that the biggest stars of the movie were not the actual actors or actresses themselves, but the two erect nipples of Katie Holmes that would continually steal the scenes in this otherwise lackluster action blockbuster. I was suckered into this movie like a moth drawn to a flame.

Yep, there they were sticking out from underneath Katie’s chosen blouses every so often like little Hershey Kisses underneath a satin sheet. What really cracked me up is that these shots had to have been planned out that way from the beginning as there was just no mistaking their freakish presence throughout the movie. It was absolutely shameless!

Director Christopher Nolan must have had tons of ice chips taken from authentic ice-bergs floating in the Arctic circle being flown in just to keep Katie’s nipples hard during filming. Aside from the ninjas, high-tech gadgetry, and flashback sequences, the most amazing show-stopper was the shot of Katie Holmes and her two pointy nipples turning and walking off into the sunset. Hows that for dramatic effect. Fuck knows what else was happening in the scene; I was too hypnotized at that point to care.

I wonder if those nipple shots were written into Katie Holme's movie contract, like Tom Cruise's* contractual butt-shot addendum, or whether Nolan just wanted to add some erect nipplage to his otherwise flacid adaptation of Batman to keep his audiences attention? Either way, it was the most ridiculous thing I have seen in film since King Kong went ice-skating in Central Park not long ago. It did however give me excuse enough to exercize the freeze-frame on my remote control.

* Who, along with Kevin Costner and Jean Claude Van Damme - the big three of cinematic man ass - forms the powerful 'Triumvirate of Ass' in Hollywood; apart from all the other popular male actors.


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