West L.A. Giveaway

In a sad, sad, state of groovy affairs, house appliances and other items from Jerry Garcia’s former home will be auctioned off on Ebay by a nonprofit group hoping to raise more than $100,000.

It looks like hippie’s that have any money still left burning holes in their pockets will be offered the chance to bid on precious Garcia heirlooms such as his dishwasher, his freezer, his stereo cabinets, cupboards and even the mans own toilet. I wouldn't be fucking suprised if you could bid on his drool pillow as well!

Is nothing sacred?

Henry Koltys, chairman of the Sophia Foundation, the organization auctioning off the appliances, bought the Nicasio, California home of Garcia in 1997, two years after Garcia died of a heart attack. And all this time he’s just been sitting on (as well as sitting and dumping in) this goldmine of Jerry collectables, and rubbing his palms together fast enough to start forest fires in anticipation for the big auction day. Garcia sold his home after only using it for a few months. Basically, he moved in, made himself comfortable, took a crap, and by the time he came back down to earth after his first house-warming hit of sunshine LSD, moved out again.

Now, don’t get me wrong, I LOVE Jerry Garcia. There was a time when I'd have crawled across broken glass to stick flags in his shit if I were ever so lucky have the opportunity while he was still alive. If you don’t know who he is at this point you should really read no further, step away from the computer, and go hang yourself in the broom closet with a leather belt. Clearly, you are not worthy. You were probably among the ones out on Friday nights getting drunk with your Laser Tag teams when the Deadheads rode into town and took over your Walmart parking lots. I am not, however, going to cheapen the man, or his memory, by spending money to purchase his blender or toasting oven.

Now these same obsessive tie-dyed traveling freakshows will have the chance to spend all their hard-earned life savings from working at the Denny’s Drive-Thru window and purchase an authentic home appliance owned by Captain Trips himself. They can store books on shelves where Jerry may have kept his bong collection, or warm their buns on the same toilet seat that Jerry himself may have dropped deuces from, or recline on something Jerry perhaps also made himself comfortable on while being serviced by his own personal team of professional Swedish fluffers.

It’s sad, but it’s true. Deadheads will spend their money on just about anything stupid.

Usually, stoned out tour hippies love their sparkly or glowing objects and will trade their entire life savings if it just looks pretty enough in the sunlight. You see, hippies also have the good financial sense of a pine needle. Shit, you could polish up a dog turd, say it has “healing properties”, and you’ll probably find an easy sale by the time you reach the back bumper of your parked VW mini-bus. They’re like magpies in Birkenstocks. And if Jerry happened to wash his crack pipe in it, or shat on it, or preserved minute steaks in it - hippies want it and will pay good money to get it. Put it all up on Ebay to the greater public - and it'll generate a bidding frenzy that will make the Japanese stock market floor look like a fucking Nana Mouskouri concert!