Bracing for Impact

Okay, time to rethink your retirement plans everyone. The big one is coming!

And I don’t mean that in any pleasant kind of phallic sense, as you’d probably otherwise expect from me. No, I mean the kind of grab your ass and head for the East Coast kinda big one.

Astronomers have spotted an asteroid whose projected trajectory shows that it will pass very close to our planet in 2029, and have a chance of hitting Earth on its next pass in 2036.

Uh-oh!

‘Apophis’, so named for the Egyptian god of death and darkness, if it hits the Earth, would generate an impact that would equal the force of 100 nuclear bombs said noted astrophysicist and PBS "Origins" star Neil deGrasse Tyson yesterday.

Apophis, huh? Way to put a positive spin on it, Jackass. Why not just call it somethng equally arbitrary, like “Death Comet”, and incite total and complete panic around the globe?

“In 2029," Tyson said, "on Friday the 13th in April, Apophis is a certainty to come closer to Earth than our communications satellites. It'll be the largest thing to come that close in recorded history ... and depending on that trajectory, will determine whether it will hit us seven years later."

Odds have been placed on the doomsday asteroid hitting the Earth at around 1 in 38,000. Still not a big enough margin in my opinion. Nobody expected the New York Giants to go 37-8 back in 1951 and force a playoff series with the Brooklyn Dodgers; nobody expected Nicole Kidman to recoup her career and win an Academy Award after being dumped by husband Tom Cruise; and nobody thought the Titanic would sink if it collided with a floating block of ice – so I’m not liking the chances of this asteroid missing the Earth, quite frankly.

Particularly since the impact date falls squarely on Friday the 13th! How many more signs do you fucking need? Personally, I won't be waiting around for God to reach down from the heaven's and give us a big 'Thump's Up' to confirm the collision...I'll be in some dug out bombshelter in the mountains of Nepal with a good book.

We should have been listening to the muppet in the wheelchair all along!

DeGrasse did have some happy news on the subject though: "Apophis, if it hits, will not contribute to global warning. It'll just wipe out the entire West Coast of North America."

Sucks to a Californian though. But, hey, they need themselves a good disaster of Biblical proportions to straighten things out anyway.

Rappin' About Rap

I think I have figured out why black people seem to be so uptight.

I realize this is a nasty stereotype, but you can’t deny it, black people have a lot to be uptight about - crime, poverty, gangs, discrimination, etc. At least that’s what I’m lead to believe from the many interviews and disparaging claims of prejudice being perpetrated by the white man made by black people in the media during times of crisis. After all, how many white gangbangers do you see running around the ‘hood in Oakland? I’m no expert, but I’ve seen ‘Colors’ and ‘Boyz in the Hood’ – so I know what’s up, dig?

While driving home with a co-worker of mine today, he slipped on a mixed disc on his CD player of his favorite rap songs. Now, he’s no hardcore OG-gangster type, but he sure digs his bustin' rhymes and phat beats. Fair enough. But, literally, every song on that compilation disc began with some sort of alarm, siren, or sound of some policeman barking orders into a megaphone – never mind all the usual “kill whitey” bullshit. Shit, if this is how most rap music starts, I’d be pretty fucking anxious to should I choose to listen to rap 24/7.

Now, granted, I’m no connoisseur or authority on the subject of rap music. But it seems to me that much of what has been released is pretty rife with some pretty tensive sounds. Christ, it’s enough to make anyone more than just a little anxious. It’s no wonder that some black people are so freaked out by the sound of police sirens going by. Plop on your average rap album and it begins with what sounds like the fucking fall of Saigon.

Yeah, I can understand black people being a little jittery.

Smells Like Teen Pussy

Considering how hot and muggy it’s been this summer, I was forced to make a quick stop for deodorant today at the local pharmacy. Once there, I was simply flabbergasted over the vast assortment of different available scents for sale.

Now, I'm not trying to suggest that I don’t regularly use deodorant, but I have been particularly blessed with a less-than-offensive natural body odor - unlike some poor bastards who end up smelling like rancid roadkill after only a few hours if they don’t refresh their arm pits.

But what did I find on the shelves instead? Silver Ice, April Shower, Arctic Avalanche, Cool Peak, Ocean Blast, Sport Ionic, Clean Slate, as well as a whole host of other nonsensical varieties.

When did everything begin to smell like pussy?

None of these scents do much to make me feel very manly. Don’t they just have the regular old-fashioned non-scented varieties, or is that too passe now? You know, the kind that leave powdered residue and make your armpits look like a bakers counter. They were basic, simple, and smelled appropriately like man - "Eau de Post-Gym Class Shower" if you will.

Damn New Agers and their fancy-pants designer aromas!

All I know, is if I am ever going smell “April Shower”, I want it to be during an actual rainfall in April. Nor do I want to associate the smell at the time with another dude’s sweaty pits. That kinda kills the ambiance *, am I right? Likewise, if I’m ever detecting “Arctic Avalanche” I want it to be while running - post haste - in the opposite direction lest I be buried under a tidal wave of cascading snow.

Imagine me standing on a scenic mountainside somewhere and being distracted by the cool, bracing smell of male perfumery just before being swept away by tons of snow. "Mmm, is that Arctic Avalanche I smell?" We’re talking about valuable reaction time here!

And what the fuck is “Ocean Blast” exactly? I bet that doesn’t market very well in Bande Ache, or New Orleans for that matter. That particular scent is bound to make local residents break out in cold sweats for sure!

Honestly, I decided that it would be the lesser of evils to simply stink this summer than reduce myself to smelling like a feminine douchebag.

* Well, that and the inevitable severe chaffing in the groinal area.

Fucked on Fuck (Fucking Reprise)

How do you know exactly when you’ve turned into one really crude motherfucker?

When you use MS Word and the really bad words, the ones that absolutely flower with filth, don’t even bother registering anymore as spelling mistakes - that’s how. I’m constantly shocked over which colorful pejoratives of mine show as being grammatically correct. I bet the added memory on my 'Spelling & Grammer' checker in my Tools bar reads like an Andrew Dice Clay script.

So far, I can confirm that the MS Word on my home computer can immediately recognizes the words:

shit
piss
cocknballs
asshole
fucktard
fucknut
dipshit
asshat
cheesedick
moolyak
meatstick

...and a partridge in a fucking pear treeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.

Christ, I make would any children’s nursery rhyme sound like Glengary Glen Ross.