Bisexual Breakdown

To go all Seinfeld for a moment; what’s the deal with bisexual people anyway? Aren’t they having enough fun with one sex that they have to go back for seconds with the other sex too? Where’s the justice in that?

Save some for the rest of us why don’t you.

How is it fair that these people are getting so much sex? Here I’m struggling to make any progress with the one type of sex, and here’s these people banging anything that moves; be it penis or vagina.

It’s not right. Suddenly, I’m even less popular with the ladies. It's hard enough to get a date as it is! It's bad enough I have to compete with other men but now I have to compete with the ladies too? I might as well have a cows utter stitched to the side of my face for all the pain and humiliation I feel at having lost out to someone of the same sex as that of my latest obsession.

But why stop there though? Why not just claim complete monopoly over the whole sex thing altogether and declare yourself “Omnisexual” – willing to fuck anything and everything; be it vegetable, animal or mineral.

Then perhaps I might consider myself a little more lucky in love when I’m at least having an intimate relationship with my loaf of Wonder bread.

Rules for Men Over 30

When a man (and I use that term loosely) turns 30 years of age – things are suddenly different. All of a sudden, you’re expected not only to be an adult but act like one too.

So for reference sake, I have compiled a list of 40 things that any man over the age of 30 should never be caught doing or else be forever recognized as a complete and utter fuckwit by the rest of society.

1. Dynotape their name on their lunchbox
2. Go to see an Adam Sandler movie in the cinema…or even rent one for that matter.
3. Give himself his own nickname.
4. Use a wallet, watch, or anything that fastens with Velcro.
5. Bring binoculars to a nude beach.
6. Name their pets after Middle Earth characters.
7. Jokingly flash gang signs when posing for wedding photographs.
8. Wear Disney-theme ties.
9. Air guitar in public.
10. Burp the alphabet.
11. Keep condoms in their wallet.
12. Mist up during metal power ballads.
13. End conversations with “Peace Out”, “Later Skater”, or “See ya, wouldn’t want to be ya!”
14. Build a bong.
15. Shout out a response to “Are you ready to rock?”
16. Request ‘Freebird’ at a concert.
17. Blast Hip-Hop on their car stereo while toodling around downtown with the windows down.
18. Get leglessly drunk in public.
19. Save money by purchasing 2-ply toilet paper.
20. Ever make the “Hang Loose” sign, or offer anyone a little "fist bump action" in greeting.
21. Wave at somebody across the room by wiggling his fingers.
22. Refer to himself in the third person.
23. Refer to girls as “chicks”.
24. Do shots with frou-frou sounding shooters such as 'Slippery Nipple', 'Sex on a Beach', or 'Broken Down Golf Cart'.
25. Refer to cutting up hot dogs into Kraft dinner as “culinary skill”.
26. Use the word “phat”, “sick”, or “ill” when discussing anything.
27. Never tell anyone to “take a chill pill”.
28. Use ‘Star Wars’ bed sheets.
29. Order pay-per-view Wrestling events.
30. Sing along to Billy Joel tunes.
31. Read Harry Potter books.
32. Get a tattoo of a cartoon character anywhere on their body.
33. Drop Simpsons quotes during dinnertime conversation.
34. Consider comic books as valid reading material.
35. Rent porn.
36. Excuse himself to the "Little Boys Room".
37. Be caught checking out girls under the age of 18.
38. Get highlites in their hair.
39. Refer to their penis by a pet name.
40. Post "Top Ten" lists on the Internet.

Seasons Greetings (albeit a little early)

I'd like to teach the world to sing,
In perfect harmony.

I’d like to give the world a Coke,
...and teach it that corporate sponsorships support militant dictatorships and private interests in Third World countries and thereby advocate the oppression of its peoples through genocide, corruption, and a severely impacted standard of living due to low wage rates, slave labor, and a poor public education system.

Ho. Ho. Ho.